Thank God the Emmys nominated a handful of funny people who know how to make a statement: Julia-Louis Dreyfus is "really looking forward to kicking Tina Fey's ass!" Amy Poehler is "pumped for some high-octane, heart-thumping, hard-core Emmy action!"
But these funny, fitting statements stand alone among incredibly bland reactions. What's with getting all droll when awards season starts—will a personality make people think they aren't taking it seriously? Please.
We consider it our duty to rewrite some of these yawn-worthy reactions, take a peek:
• Jane Krakowski, Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series, 30 Rock
What She Said: "I'm so honored to be part of this ensemble. This is my first Emmy nomination; I'm so excited! I am blown away by the number of nominations the show has received and thrilled for everyone."
What She Should've Said: "I already have a friggin' Tony, this is way overdue since Calista stole my thunder on Ally McBeal."
• Alec Baldwin, Best Actor in a Comedy Series, 30 Rock
What He Said: "I'm thrilled for everyone connected to the show. It's great working with the entire group, and I'm grateful for the recognition of our work."
What He Should've Said: "[Laughs uproariously] Duh."
• Seth MacFarlane, Best Comedy Series for Family Guy
What He Said: "We're thrilled to see American Dad recognized by the Academy. We have a great team of people that work incredibly hard on both shows. I'm really proud of them."
What He Should've Said: "Screw you, Simpsons! How long have you been on the air, two decades? We got canceled twice and still got the Best Comedy Emmy nom you never did! Ha!"
• Glenn Close, Best Actress in a Drama, Damages
What She Said: "I'm thrilled. I'm part of a phenomenal team and am so, so happy for all our nominees."
What She Should've Said: "Uh, did you guys just copy and paste the exact same list of nominees from last year? You can't fool me by adding in Elisabeth Moss! I'm Glenn Close! I know all!"
• Kevin Dillon, Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series, Entourage
What He Said: "I am so glad to be part of such a great show! I share this nomination with my fellow actors and am honored to be working with the best cast and crew in town."
What He Should've Said: "It's great to be nominated again with my costar Jeremy Piven. Oh wait, he wasn't nominated this year? Even though he won the past three years in a row? It couldn't be because he pissed off everyone in Hollywood could it?"
• Tina Fey, Best Actress in a Comedy Series, 30 Rock
What She Said: Nothing yet. Out of character for her to be so silent!
What She Should've Said: "You're going down, Dreyfus!"
—Additional reporting by Becky Bain